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Heres To You

Heres to you.

Sometimes you find a person, and they fit into your life exactly where you needed them too. Everything isn't always perfect (because nothing is), but it still feels right. It is good and alive and refreshing and easy.

I've spent a long time learning how to love. Loving myself and loving others. It felt like an uphill battle but I am done rejecting the feelings I have been so terrified of because god, do they ever feel good. After years, I think I am finally realizing I am worthy. I am allowed to feel alive, I am allowed to be loved.

I’ve learned a lot over the past year. About myself and about others. About how I attach meaning to the people around me and the relationships I have with them.

Anyone I fall in love with becomes like a god to me. Although there are very few people who I have loved. I am cautious to try and not hold them on to high of a pedestal. Because those expectations are not fair to them or myself. But my love is unconditional. And I can’t seem to help that sometimes.

Unconditional love is a very interesting topic that I want to explore more because I am not sure it exists. To a certain extent, I think it’s unhealthy. But that’s usually in most extreme situations. People do bad things and people make mistakes. But you live and you learn. If your person actively tries to change, that is what is important to me.

To think about myself being in love is a concept because for so long I could hardly care for myself. I hardly loved myself. I isolated myself constantly. I wanted to be alone forever— I was contempt with that. I was okay with having people coming and going and only having to worry about myself.

But then you came around. And there was this weird force of emotions that was different than anything I have ever felt before. Heres to you for waking me up—making me feel alive. I can’t ignore you, and all the ways you make me feel. You were like a hurricane coming into my life. Thank god I find storms relaxing.

Sorry if this is cheesy. My Venus Pisces just jumped out…scared me a little.

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Shy Traveller

Ever since school has ended it has been hard trying to find the motivation to pick up my camera. This past school year took everything out of me. Art is hard. It's fun and rewarding and I don’t think there is anything else in this world I would rather do than create. But that does not make it easy. When it flows it flows. But sometimes it feels like nothing is left. I feel empty without it. But I guess that's just part of my process. And I am trying to work with it. When I have those spurts of inspiration and I am creating, I feel so alive and that’s what I am holding onto. So recently I’ve opted for a lot of other mediums and tools to help me create instead of my camera. As I have mentioned before, collages have always been something I enjoy because it is a way for me to display my messy thoughts.

A lot of thoughts went through my head while making this little 5x5. I use to have this obsession with space and the stars. I just wanted to be in space. I wanted to be higher than the sun and never come down. I wanted to be away from everything. I didn't like who I was and I didn't like the way I let other people control so many things about me. Often, the earth felt too much to handle.

I still obsess over space, but I just want to be in space because I need to rest. Like a break, but more than a vacation you know? Sometimes I want to be away from my mind and turn my thoughts off. I want an out of body—out of this world break. Eventually to come back down to life and just get back into my days. I have the tools and mechanism to understand earth a little more and for that I am thankful. I am finding reason and purpose. Life is moving forward and I am ready for whichever direction it takes.

I am a shy traveller. I am independent. My shine seems low, most people miss it, but it is there. It is perpetual.

To all the scientist in my life. I am glad I have delighted you. I am glad you didn’t give up on me. I am thankful you are here. I am thankful you are patient.


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Positivity of Negative Feedback

Does negative attention ever make you feel good?

I enjoy when I get feedback about the things I do. More importantly, I enjoy negative feedback. I think being open to criticism is important. I want to hear what people don't like about my work because then I can learn from their critiques and improve.

The truth is I like hearing peoples honest opinions. I don't like when people lie to me about my work...how am I ever supposed to grow as an artist?

For a while I had this sad tortured artist thing going on. I just was hating everything I did not matter how many people told me they liked it. I guess I've never really felt secure with the things I create. I can pretend like I am proud of them. Because I think the worst thing you can do as an artist is to talk down your work while showing it. But, I see all the flaws with my pieces and series. I recognize everything that I could have done to make them better. I want to hear what you don't like because I probably am thinking about it too. Please validate my insecurities! Tear me open, rip apart everything I do and call me sh*t. Heck make me cry a little so I know its real.

Now, don't get me wrong there are good things to be found in EVERY piece of artwork. Its all subjective and humans are very opinionated. So if one person thinks it's bad, that's not necessarily true!

I usually like to compare things I like and don't like about my work. The things I don't like usually out weight the good. But one positive is better than none...right?

I guess what I am trying to get as is to not take criticism so hard. Use it to your advantage! When you open up to it and hear what people are saying about your work it can really help you grow.

Here are some of my least favourite photos o have ever taken. Unfortunately, they are recent ones that I submitted for my portfolio in school. Enjoy!

Selfies

Self-portraiture has always been something I have enjoyed exploring. It's a very therapeutic process and a way for me to express myself. It's like an easy way out when I don't feel like being me. I can turn myself into someone else for a brief moment. Most of my self-portraits are rooted deeply with personal issues.

I have different versions of myself that exists somewhere in my psyche. They are all me but just don't look like me. I spent a lot of my time growing up being very critical of the way that I looked. I spent years feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Sometimes I just wanted to hop out of the body of who I was and take on an entirely different form. Even in my twenties, I get this feeling like I just need to leave and start over. And maybe this is why I find self-portraiture so therapeutic. It's a way for me to put my insides on my outsides. I show what I am feeling instead of saying what I am feeling. For a few moments, I can turn off who I am and take on a different form. Its also like a version of me is being released and I can try to let go of my past traumas. It's almost like I can release an inner emotion and clear my headspace.

I mean sometimes it's not that deep and I just like dressing up for fun.

Here is the most recent self-portrait series I worked on. I saw a wig at the dollar store for 4$ and instantly was inspired.