blog post

Heres To You

Heres to you.

Sometimes you find a person, and they fit into your life exactly where you needed them too. Everything isn't always perfect (because nothing is), but it still feels right. It is good and alive and refreshing and easy.

I've spent a long time learning how to love. Loving myself and loving others. It felt like an uphill battle but I am done rejecting the feelings I have been so terrified of because god, do they ever feel good. After years, I think I am finally realizing I am worthy. I am allowed to feel alive, I am allowed to be loved.

I’ve learned a lot over the past year. About myself and about others. About how I attach meaning to the people around me and the relationships I have with them.

Anyone I fall in love with becomes like a god to me. Although there are very few people who I have loved. I am cautious to try and not hold them on to high of a pedestal. Because those expectations are not fair to them or myself. But my love is unconditional. And I can’t seem to help that sometimes.

Unconditional love is a very interesting topic that I want to explore more because I am not sure it exists. To a certain extent, I think it’s unhealthy. But that’s usually in most extreme situations. People do bad things and people make mistakes. But you live and you learn. If your person actively tries to change, that is what is important to me.

To think about myself being in love is a concept because for so long I could hardly care for myself. I hardly loved myself. I isolated myself constantly. I wanted to be alone forever— I was contempt with that. I was okay with having people coming and going and only having to worry about myself.

But then you came around. And there was this weird force of emotions that was different than anything I have ever felt before. Heres to you for waking me up—making me feel alive. I can’t ignore you, and all the ways you make me feel. You were like a hurricane coming into my life. Thank god I find storms relaxing.

Sorry if this is cheesy. My Venus Pisces just jumped out…scared me a little.

Heres to you 2 .jpg

Treat me like a plant

This morning, I sat on my bedroom floor, talked to my plants , and showered them with rainwater. I feel relaxed for once, and my head felt a little bit more clear, so I decided to write.

I’ve created this list of questions I keep having to ask myself.

-Am I satisfied?

-Am I secure?

-Am I getting what I need?

-Am I happy?

-Am I treated how I deserve to be treated?

-Does this have a purpose?

-Do I need to worry about this right now?

I use to tell myself that I need to stop questioning everything. I get to caught up in questions. I over analyze exactly what is being asked. And sometimes that makes it hard to find an answer.

Sometimes, I start to wonder if I require too much from myself and from other people. but I don't think I do. Some positive affirmations and some reassurance does it for me. It’s really not that much as long as someone has the capacity for it.

For me, I feel if I want to grow as a person, I need to work on my self-expansion. I feel I hold myself back in a lot of ways. I think I just need to relax a little and really start doing my own thing again and stop caring so much about how others perceive it.

Sometimes I think people need me to treat me like the way I treat my plants. Sometimes I wish I could get a little help with growing.

Now that school is done, I'm hoping to get on a regular posting schedule on here. Not sure if anyone actually reads these, but they help me clear my head a little.